satan_dot_com
Site Meter souls since August 2002!
All about the Lord of Darkness
What the Minions are up to
satandotcom@iblamegod.com
Rules of the Harem (READ THIS FIRST)
The History of Evil
Satan's favorite posts
Sunday, June 28th, 2009
4:23 pm
And now, a word from our sponsors...
"Billy Mays here. Are you tired of always finding yourself in a state of not breathing? Well have I got the product for you. It's the Insta-Rez! The Insta-Rez will bring you back to the world of the living from wherever you found yourself when you di.ed! All you do is pop the cap and the magical aromatics will revive invigorate you! This product makes a great gift, j ust not to your in-laws, since you can never get rid of them anyways. Great for pets too! Normally, this product sells for $39,000,103.00. But if you call right now, through this special TV offer, we'll give you the Insta-Rez for just 19.95! But wait! If you call in the next 20 minutes, we'll double your order! That's right, you can have 2 Insta-Rez's for just $19.95. Here's how to order! And while he's telling you how to get your own, I will demonstrate this amazing product for you."

*Smite*

Sorry, Billy. Contract's up. A deal's a deal.

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 1)


Saturday, June 27th, 2009
1:02 am
My my my, so many additions
Farrah, daaaaarling. You will be staying in my private quarters. Oh, and Bosley has a mission for you: Do whatever I ask of you.

Ahhh, welcome Ed. I've gone ahead and assigned you to do 2 jobs. Why? Because you never held a real job when you were alive, that's why. You'll be melting gold down at the smelter, as well as providing your best financial advice to potential souls to be claimed.

David.....wow man, just wow. That was impressive. Not since Michael Hutchens has someone gone out with such...interesting...behaviour. I'm not sure what to do with you yet. Go to your quarters while I figure it out...oh, and no sex games for a while, eh?

Aaaand of course, Michael. I've been waiting on you. Yes, yes I know--the mortals are all so sad to see you dead and gone, they all state the obligatory RIP and say how much you'll be missed. I think you'll find that I'm not quite so forgiving, however. You see, I remember what you really were: A lying, pedophyllic scumbag who never paid his bills, had to be sued every time anyone extended you any services without pre-payment, and thought that just because he could sing that it made everything else he did OK. That might have worked on the mortals, Mikey, but I'll have none of it here. You think your voice could get high before during one of your "yee ee hoo" things you did every song? Just you wait...what I've got planned for you is gonna take you to untold new heights. You make for an interesting case study, seeing as how if it was one of those mortals crying about how you died too soon that had gone and raped a bunch of young boys, the rest of them would have delivered that person to me on a platter, but I've long ago resigned myself to the fact that understanding human hypocrisy is a lost cause.

Wait, there's one missing off the register. Where's Perez Hilton? I specifically requested him this week. What? What do you mean the Peas fucked up and didn't finish the job? God dammit, those assholes can't do anything right! Geez, this is what I get for trying to do the world a FAVOUR. Idiots. I should have known not to trust a band who releases a single containing the lyrics "I'm so 2008 and you're so 2000 and late".....halfway through 2009. Fuck, if you want something done right...

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 4)


Friday, September 5th, 2008
2:22 pm
From the mailbag
Dear Satan,

I am heavily interested in this year's presidential contest. I'm so interested that it irritates me when I see someone with a John McCain bumper sticker or one of those stupid anti-Obama slogans. I don't see them too often, but when I do, I just want to set the obviously delusional person straight. How can I accomplish this?

Your Minion Always,

Sarah



Dear Sarah,

Just do what Satan does. Why, just the other day Satan was at the parking garage under the Hyatt Regency when he saw an old Jeep Cherokee with the word "NOBama" scribbled on the rear windshield, obviously the byproduct of someone with the mentality of a 3 year old....or a Scientologist. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. This person was at the elevators leading to the brothel hotel handing out stupid literature, spouting off about Muslims and black inferiority...I dunno, it was hard to make it all out, Satan has too much of a shrill filter that blocks that tone of voice out.

Anyhow, just whip out your Rod of Smiting (if you have one. If you don't, check out my upcoming infomercial!) create an Obama bumper sticker and....

Photobucket

I'm sure the person was so thrilled to find the error of their ways corrected upon returning to their car, that they got down on their knees and thanked Satan for setting them straight.

Your Pal Always,

-S

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 3)


Saturday, May 31st, 2008
1:21 pm
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one is worth 7
Just in case some of you were wondering if I was still around and subverting the world or not....I give unto thee:


The Great Lane Bryant Riot of 2008:



Photobucket

That poor guy on the left. I think he got lost on his way to Beerfest

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 9)


Monday, July 23rd, 2007
2:17 pm
From the 'you can't even make shit like this up' files
Hi there, hey there, ho there (no really...ho, right there...damn she's toe up). Safely nestled back away from the center of evil (aka the US). Some of you worry too damn much. My final words wouldn't be in a text message...or so dull. Don't misconstrue, yeesh.

Anyways, Satan has a little doozy for you. Now I've written some pretty out there stuff, but not even I could come up with this:

So a 16 year old girl in Prineville, Oregon went missing about a week ago. No trace of her.

-Authorities found her car abandoned in Terrebone, a city about 25 miles away, with the drivers seat all the way back and down leading authorities to state someone large had abducted her.
-Her parents went ballistic organizing the area to search for her. Search parties, fliers all over town at local businesses, a hotline, her mother even went to her myspace page to plaster that she was missing
-(for those playing along at home, the myspace page in question is http://www.myspace.com/sandbrat09).
-No trace of her. No word from her. Until yesterday. (This is where the "you can't make this up starts...keep with me, it'll be worth it)

They found her in a biker bar...in California.

-Along with her boyfriend that she ran away with (after having sex with in the front seat of her car)
-And 2 of his friends, who had stolen an SUV for the 4 of them to go joyriding in. (no word if orgies took place)
-To California.
-Is she to be charged for the crime of driving a stolen vehicle? The amount of money spent looking for her? Running away from home(Yes, that's really a crime in Oregon)? Nay, the police plan on filing no charges.

Wait...it gets better.

Her punishment?

The city of Prineville is going to THROW HER A PARADE celebrating her safe return. Following the parade, they are expected to give her a key to the city. I swear upon all that is Unholy that I'm not even kidding.

Her parents? Said, and I quote, are "just happy that their prayers have been answered". Nice to know her parents prayed for her to give some guy a hummer behind a store and then take off with him and some friends in a stolen car to California without so much as a word. Wish I would have known sheilas with parents like that when I was a wee Satan. All I ever got was chased around with a pitchfork and told to stick My horns in someone else.

Story on bendbulletin.com

Reaction to the parade and other such ludicrousness on bend.craigslist.org under the rants & raves section.

current mood: indescribable
current music: Tiesto--He's a Pirate

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 8)


Thursday, June 28th, 2007
10:36 am
You guys couldn't leave well enough alone, could ya?
I tried to abandon you.

I tried to ignore your pleas for help.

Yet on and on you whined "We want more evil! We need our evil!"

Well FINE then...

*Kabam*

Spice Girls reunion. Enjoy!

current mood: lazy
current music: The wondrous sounds of urban hustle and bustle

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 7)


Wednesday, June 27th, 2007
7:56 pm
Come on down!
Psst, Hey Liz?

Yes, Master?

Do you remember how when I gave you that contract so your hideous fashions would become huge and get women out of the kitchen baking pies for their men?

Of course, Master

Do you remember how I stood by you in spite of the outcry from the guys talking about how unfair it was? And do you recall how all I asked in return was for some good fashion advice, and you sold Me 3 of these man-purses...or murses...or whatever the hell they are...claiming they were gonna be all the rage?

Yeah, I remember that...

So you remember how I showed up with one of those things at the last Academy Awards and got laughed at by Carrot Top...CARROT TOP?!"

I never could have predicted, Mast..

*SMITE*

Take that, bitch. Least this god damn purse is good for holding my rod.

current music: The sweet sounds of porn

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 1)


Tuesday, June 26th, 2007
11:49 pm
Finally, a couple of you catch it
Jesus Christ (the ultimate insult), didn't think you guys would EVER figure it. I realize it's hard to see everything, but come on :P. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 2)


Monday, September 4th, 2006
3:27 am
A tribute far too soon to one of Satan's own
A little over 5 years ago, some thieves stole Steve Irwin's car. One can hope that technology will reutrn the vehicle to their owner, but even these days where cars are equipped with LoJak, GPS devices, OnStar and the like, everybody knew the car was gone because these things don't really work effectively. The cars can be in an Indonesian chop shop before anyone even knows it's missing. The thieves found out who the car belonged to, however, and 2 days later Steve found the car back in his driveway--complete with an anonymous note under the windshield wiper apolosing for the action and any inconvenience it may have caused him.

Such was the nature of this man and the impact/importance he carried back home. Sure, we all poked fun at him. We all openly mocked him and derided him for making us all out to seem so hokey (I don't even know how many times someone has asked me to say "Crikey", as though we actually say that). He was the butt of many a joke--more than one by Yours truly. Many considered him a sellout to the American "empire". And yes, he did make what could be one of the 10 worst movies of all time. But he was a countryman, and the respect and reverement that underlie the jokes we made about him was palpable.

But he also singlehandedly saved a city, made appreciation of animals vogue again, and did more than anyone to advance the cause of preservation nature in general, but more specifically of the one wonder of the world far superior to any of the ancient 7 there were merely called "great" in the GB Reef. If the measure of a man is in what ways he leaves his country and the world as a whole in better shape than which he found it, than surely for as small as his contributions may seem in the big picture, he will be measured and found spectacular.

So...here's to you, you crazy bastard. It's going to be one of the biggest cosmic jokes of the millenia just how it is you went, especially considering all the shit you lived through, but history will remember you fondly. Now turn back...you're at the wrong gates. My pets don't like to be poked with sticks.



current mood: discontent
current music: Tiesto-He's a Pirate

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 7)


Wednesday, May 17th, 2006
10:05 pm
Must...hoard over God
He really hates it when he loses souls because of telephonic issues. Drives Him up a wall. Best of all, it's completely his fault--I *told* him not to switch to Sprint...

I think I'll give him a buzz, taunt him over it for a while. Infurating him like that? It'll just make my bloody day. Lesse, where did I put that number..Ahhh, here we go.

Thank you for calling the Holy Trinity Prayer Network. Your prayer is important to us. To better assist in directing the proper department to your prayer, we have optimized our menu. Please say what your prayer is about

Eternal Life

I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Did you say win the LottO? If so, say yes

No

I'm sorry, let's try again. Please say what your prayer is about

Eternal Life

I think you said, Spurs win the championship. Is that correct?

NO...and even if it were, they need more than a prayer for that

I'm sorry, let's try again. Please say what your prayer is about

ETERNAL LIFE, god dammit! I HATE these menu machines!

I'm sorry, but I still couldn't understand you. Let me transfer you to our old automated system

Where the Jersey did I put the Rod of Smiting? Ugh, I need a drink...

Thank you for calling the Holy Trinity Prayer Network. Your prayer is important to us. To better assist you in your praying needs, we have broken our menu down into 4 options. Please listen to all options, as our menu options may have changed since your last prayer

*hits 0*

For English, press 1

*Hits 1*

Para las instrucciones españolas del menú, prensa ocha

*Hits 0 repeatedly*

OK, let's get started. For prayers regarding eternal life, please press 1

*Hits 1*

For prayers regarding improving your golf game, please press 2

*pounds 1*

For prayers regarding not receiving enough sex, please press 3

*ponders*
*ponders*
*ponders*
No...I called for a reason. I've a job to do...
*hits 3 anyways*

For all other prayer requests, please press 4

*33333333333333333333333333333*

*sighs

*mashes 1, 0, # and 3 randomly

You have chosen, "Eternal life"

Thank Myself...finally getting somewhere...

For questions regarding your own eternal life, press 1...for questions regarding someone else's eternal life, press 2....for questions regarding our new eternal life for pets program, please press 3. Or press 4 to return to the main menu

*throws phone across the room...picks it up, mashes 0 again*

OK then, let me transfer you to an prayer service specialist to further assist you

FINALLY. One of God's great "fuck you's" to me was getting rid of the direct line. Hate going through these damn menus.

All specialists are currently engaging other callers. Please stay on the line, and your prayer will be answered in the order it was received. Your estimated wait time is *choppy voice* Six Days

*hold music*

SIX DAYS? He made the frickin' planet in that long! Oy, all the cutbacks He's doing up there! I mean, I know I end up with most of the well-off, but the streets are paved with gold plated aluminum for crying out loud! Surely if times were tough he could have conned someone into buying one...Course, on the other hand, this is the time of year when people make the truly hopeless prayers...bedding Jessica Alba, David Blaine doing "stunts" that actually make sense to someone, pay raises for Wal-Mart employees, bedding Jessica Alba and Téa Leoni at the same time and what not...

Ah well, I'll wait. This is TOTALLY gonna be worth it...Dev, bring someone from the harem into my office, and tell her to bring plenty of fluids!

I hate You, God. I really, really hate You--but this time, victory will be Mine!

current mood: mischievous
current music: Roll On-Sneaker Pimps

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 9)


Tuesday, May 16th, 2006
11:46 am
Sometimes the lines get crossed...
So earlier I got a jingle...

I need your help. It's me...[info]pjammer

Mmmmm...Devlin, get the contracts ready

I know I don't talk to you much, God, but I'm really in a bad way

God? Dude musta dialed a wrong number...he'll figure it out in a second. Dev, go ahead and put em back in the file

Some clumsy con girl got me for a drink the other night...I knew she was lying when she said she "forgot" her wallet at the table and then gave me bedroom eyes, but before I knew it, she was ringing up 9 drinks on her tab at my behest.

Heh...I love doing that. Stupid mortals. But on the upside, looks like he doesn't know who he's talking to!

I guess I should have known when before I could even introduce myself, she was back at her table sucking face with 4 of the blokes that were there with her

...I guess a thank you might have been nice, at least

ouch...

...and I really could have done without the pointing and snickering. Thankfully, I know to never fall for THAT...oh, hey baby. Your ex-boyfriend emptied your bank account? That's tragic! Of course I'll buy you a couple of drinks. By the way, my name is..hey, where are you going! Oh OK...I guess that's your brother over there. I'll wait for you to get done talki...wow, you guys are really close, it looks like. Anyhow where was I, God? Oh yeah, thankfully, I'll know to never fall for THAT again

Not those contracts, Dev...get the ones we use for our "special" minions. No, not the Michael Jackson file, we're low on 12 year olds this month. You know...like special ed.

Point of me calling is, I've met this girl...she's like, smokin' hot. I'd like to thank you for her, but I need to know if her request to have me give her a total Power of Attorney is as necessary as she claims. The real estate agent that put a "For Sale" sign in my front yard and the home appraiser that dropped by last week were a little strange, too--but I'm sure there's a logical explanation, right? I really feel the connection this time, but being as naturally cautious, prudent and impossible to hoodwink as I am. I'm pretty wise to these female ploys for gifts at this point, and...oh, hi gorgeous. What's that? Sure, here's my credit card, go tell the officer to take the boot off your car. I'll wait here for you to come back so you can give me that "ride" you're promising...

....

Ya know what, God? Never mind. You obviously think the world of me right now. Look at all the women you're throwing my way! I don't know what I was even worried about! My stock is through the roof. You truly are a kind and just deity. If there's anything you ever need, just say the word!

*poof*

What's this? A sign from the Lord? In contract form? Sure, I'll sign up! There, all done! Where should I turn it in at...hold up a sec, someone wanting to talk to me

*poof*

A complementary bottle of Cristal? Wow, thanks! You're gonna get one hell of a tip for this one, bartender. Everyone in the joint got one? Amazing! Who's the guy that bought em for everyone, I'd like to give him a thanks. Wait...why are you handing me my credit card back? I gave it to that cute raven-haired lady that's over there making out with the drummer so she could get her car mobile again. What the...? Where'd the contract go? And now that I think about it, why was "God" handwritten on pieces of paper taped over the contract pages?

Yes, Hugo Boss direct? I'd like to place a rather large phone order, please...

God, what's going on? What's that laughing I hear in the background? Why do I smell sulfur and...

Nooo! FUCK YOU, SATAN! You evil bastard! How could you! I'm gonna get on the phone with my lawyer right now and have that contract nullif...well hey there, pretty lady. Buy you a drink? Sure!

Sign here, please.

current mood: devious
current music: 32 Leaves--All is numb

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 9)


Friday, April 21st, 2006
7:45 am
Re: Passing the torch
It's amazing how many of you actually fell for that. I'm the Prince of Lies, for crying out loud! I merely wanted to see who was loyal to Me, and who was opportunistic and not to be trusted.

So many of you emailed, asking for the job. UNFAITHFUL, the whole lot of ya! And the stories I heard as to why you should be The One. All of you who did are disloyal, dishonest, manipulative, overtly ambitious, covetous, greedy, selfish, completely untrustworthy, cutthroat, backstabbing power grabbers. It's absolutely despicable, shameful, dirty and underhanded.

I love you guys. Definitely My crew.

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 10)


Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
11:12 am
Curses, get your curses here
It's probably that time. Passing the curse torch. Satan's old, wants a quieter life and less hassle...hates getting nagged or having deadlines. Needs to get in touch with My inner Xenu now that The Chosen One is borne. Has gotten a little too good at scaring people or freakin' em out. Fell short again it seems. Wanna be My successor? Think you're evil? Wanna soapbox? Well, take your crack. First one to send a proper ask to satandotcom@gmail.com, we'll see what you have.

I suppose I should provide fair warning that this thing, though...is a curse. No good comes of being Satan. And I ain't talking the really cool evil way. Besides the fact you're constantly having to hear the nagging of the Christian conservatives...well, let's just say nothing but pain comes of such a thing. But you mortals won't listen, ya never do. Which is why I can warn you and know someone will still be crazy enough to disregard My warning.

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 11)


Wednesday, March 15th, 2006
10:37 am
Oh suuuuuuuure, I see how it is.
That bumbling fool Jesus turns one little goblet of water into wine, and it's proclaimed to be a miracle...

I make a faucet spew forth beer to an apartment stories above the ground and it's labelled a plumbing mistake. See if I ever help you mortals out again. Try to do something nice in the Satanmas spirit (you guys didn't even remember My birthday), and this is the thanks I get.

I hate you, God. I really, really hate you.

current mood: angry
current music: Lacuna Coil-Our truth

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 19)


Friday, January 20th, 2006
1:59 pm
Back into the mailbag
Let's see what Satan has in His mailbag today...

Attn:Foriegn Personality,
I know you are conversant with the Anti-Corruption Campaign implemented 
by 
Chief Olusegun Obasanjo,President Federal Republic of Nigeria,through 
the 
Economic Financial Crime Commission(EFCC) with full backup from the US 
government,the UK's and the Switzerland's. These great achievement has 
made 
it imposible for the Top Government Officials and Notable Personalities 
in 
Nigeria come out openly to defend their looted funds abroad for fear of 
been 
confiscated by this commission but alternatively usher in the kind 
services 
of foriegn personalities like you or diplomats to achieve and defend 
thier 
claims and huge investments abroad.

My name is Engr.Fatai Rotimi,the PA to the late Mrs.Stella Obasanjo,the 
First Lady,Federal Republic of Nigeria and the Chairperson Child Care 
Trust 
(CCT).who died on 23rd Oct 2005 in Malaga Spain after undergoing 
surgery.While we were in Spain on a private visit,the First Lady 
finalize 
the $32M deposit she had with a trust firm in Malaga Spain and the 
documents 
were to be secretly handed over to one Mr.Frank Menze,a Switzerland 
base 
businessman who has been taken care of Mrs.Stella Obasanjo's private 
assets 
abroad but on heard of the sudden death of the First Lady on 23rd Oct 
2005,Mr.Frank Menze disappeared with all assets that was entrusted to 
him by 
the First Lady and all effort to lacate him proved unsuccessful till 
date.

My proposal to you is to assist in repatriating this consignment before 
it 
gets confiscated by the trust firm since I can not locate Mr.Frank 
Menze.I 
want you to please visit the firm in Spain and effect claim as I will 
send 
to you all the original deposit documents handed over to me in Spain if 
you 
are ready to assist.I guarantee that this will be executed under a 
legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.

More details will be available to you when you confirm your 
willingness.Please treat confidentialy due to my sensitive possition in 
Government.

I remain yours
Engr.Fatai Rotimi


HAH! The fool! He didn't realize he sent the email to the wrong guy. I'll just give him My bank account number and let hem put the money in my account. What a great day this is turning out to be.

What else do we have here...

Hello Friend,

I am Dr.Jan Misianik. and I represent Mr. Mikhail Khordokovsky the 
former 
C.E.O of Yukos Oil Company in Russia. I have a very sensitive and 
confidential brief from this top (oligarch) to ask for your partnership 
in 
re-profiling funds US$42.3 Million. I will give the details, but in 
summary, 
the funds are coming via Bank Menatep. This is a legitimate 
transaction.

You will be paid 10% for your "Management Fees".If you are 
interested,please 
write back by mail:janmisianik1@london.net and provide me with your 
confidential telephone number,fax number and email address and I will 
provide further details and instructions.

Please keep this confidential;we can't afford more political 
problems.Finally, please note that this must be concluded within two 
weeks.Please write back promptly.Write me back. I look forward to it.

Regards,
Dr.Jan Misianik


Two for one! I'm gonna be rich! Russia would just steal all the Yukos money, anyways

What else do we have today...

REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP



FIRST, I MUST SOLICIT YOUR STRICTEST CONFIDENCE IN THIS TRANSACTION.
THIS IS BY VIRTUE OF ITS NATURE AS BEING UTTERLY CONFIDENTIAL AND 'TOP
SECRET'. I AM SURE AND HAVE CONFIDENCE OF YOUR ABILITY AND RELIABILITY
TO PROSECUTE A TRANSACTION OF THIS GREAT MAGNITUDE INVOLVING A PENDING
TRANSACTION REQUIRING MAXIIMUM CONFIDENCE.


WE ARE TOP OFFICIAL OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CONTRACT REVIEW PANEL WHO
ARE INTERESTED IN IMPORATION OF GOODS INTO OUR COUNTRY WITH FUNDS WHICH
ARE PRESENTLY TRAPPED IN NIGERIA. IN ORDER TO COMMENCE THIS BUSINESS WE
SOLICIT YOUR ASSISTANCE TO ENABLE US TRANSFER INTO YOUR ACCOUNT THE
SAID TRAPPED FUNDS.


THE SOURCE OF THIS FUND IS AS FOLLOWS; DURING THE LAST MILITARY REGIME
HERE IN NIGERIA, THE GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS SET UP COMPANIES AND AWARDED
THEMSELVES CONTRACTS WHICH WERE GROSSLY OVER-INVOICED IN VARIOUS
MINISTRIES. THE PRESENT CIVILIAN GOVERNMENT SET UP A CONTRACT REVIEW
PANEL AND WE HAVE IDENTIFIED A LOT OF INFLATED CONTRACT FUNDS WHICH ARE
PRESENTLY FLOATING IN THE CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA READY FOR PAYMENT.


HOWEVER, BY VIRTUE OF OUR POSITION AS CIVIL SERVANTS AND MEMBERS OF
THIS PANEL, WE CANNOT ACQUIRE THIS MONEY IN OUR NAMES. I HAVE
THEREFORE, BEEN DELEGATED AS A MATTER OF TRUST BY MY COLLEAGUES OF THE
PANEL TO LOOK FOR AN OVERSEAS PARTNER INTO WHOSE ACCOUNT WE WOULD
TRANSFER THE SUM OF US$21,320,000.00(TWENTY ONE MILLION, THREE HUNDRED
AND TWENTY THOUSAND U.S DOLLARS). HENCE WE ARE WRITING YOU THIS LETTER.
WE HAVE AGREED TO SHARE THE MONEY THUS; 1. 20% FOR THE ACCOUNT OWNER 2.
70% FOR US (THE OFFICIALS) 3. 10% TO BE USED IN SETTLING TAXATION AND
ALL LOCAL AND FOREIGN EXPENSES. IT IS FROM THE 70% THAT WE WISH TO
COMMENCE THE IMPORTATION BUSINESS.


PLEASE,NOTE THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% SAFE AND WE HOPE TO
COMMENCE THE TRANSFER LATEST SEVEN (7) BANKING DAYS FROM THE DATE OF
THE RECEIPT OF THE FOLLOWING INFORMATIOM BY TEL/FAX; 234-1-7740449,
YOUR COMPANY'S SIGNED, AND STAMPED LETTERHEAD PAPER THE ABOVE
INFORMATION WILL ENABLE US WRITE LETTERS OF CLAIM AND JOB DESCRIPTION
RESPECTIVELY. THIS WAY WE WILL USE YOUR COMPANY'S NAME TO APPLY FOR
PAYMENT AND RE-AWARD THE CONTRACT IN YOUR COMPANY'S NAME.



WE ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO DOING THIS BUSINESS WITH YOU AND SOLICIT YOUR
CONFIDENTIALITY IN THIS TRANSATION. PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF
THIS LETTER USING THE ABOVE TEL/FAX NUMBERS. I WILL SEND YOU DETAILED
INFORMATION OF THIS PENDING PROJECT WHEN I HAVE HEARD FROM YOU.


YOURS FAITHFULLY,



DR CLEMENT OKON



NOTE; PLEASE QUOTE THIS REFERENCE NUMBER (VE/S/09/99) IN ALL YOUR RESPONSES.</font></font>



Wow, those Nigerians sure are bad about where they send their money. No wonder the country is in turmoil! Hmmm...though I can't help but have this sneaking suspicion that not everybody is acting in My best interests here...

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 4)


Saturday, December 31st, 2005
12:02 am
Hellllloooooooo, CAIRO!
Such a warm welcome. Thank you all for coming out. And look! You offered up sacrifices to Me! You really didn't have to--I stopped asking for those centuries agao. Such a hospitable place, with warm and friendly people. Always glad to be here. Huh? Didn't know I was coming? Then why'd ya kill the virgins? Not virgins? What the hell were they, then? Subersives? I love subversives, why'd ya go and do something like that? Psh, I know Allah and He loves a little chaos as much as the next deity, you guys must have misinterpreted one of those lame stick pictures you all used to worship. Wait...if you didn't know I was coming, why are all these people here to welcome Me? What do you mean, come with you? No way, I've got things to see, people to smite. Why are all these guns pointed at Me? Allah told you to do WHAT? OW...you shot me! What the New Jersey? DEVLIN! Get God on the line...He's fucking with the mortals again trying to get them to do His dirty work.

Dammit. This was my best shirt. I hate you, God. I really, really hate you.

(Weak? Yes...you try tying together all that into something worthwhile after spending 20 hours on airplanes and having to suffer through 2 hours in the Johannesburg South Africa airport only to eventually land in a country where anyone with lighter skin gets glared at like dinner)

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 6)


Friday, December 23rd, 2005
3:25 pm
A belated Happy Birthday to Christ...2,038 and could easily pass for..dust.
Apologies to God for missing His kid's birthday party last week (yes, last week...Christ was actually born on December 16th, just got pushed back to the 25th because God was always in heaven's annual bridge tournament that week and couldn't be bothered to send the bastard a gift).

I was actually going through the Bible the other day reading the story about how the little bastard came to be and remembered all the inaccuracies in the story that you mortals grew up reading. It further occurred to me that I've never gotten around to telling you how the whole thing went down, and that just can't be. So gather round, boys and girls (girls gather a little closer...good good. Now take off your tops. Don't argue with Me, all the colours on your shirts are distracting me and I won't be able to read. Exxccellent. Now, start rubbing the girl next to you all over; after all, you look pretty cold. Niiice)...it's story time!

You all know how the myth goes...older lady complete w/cherry suddenly starts getting fat, the people are mystified because it was the middle of summer and thusly too hot to make and eat Bon Bon's before they'd melt, and out comes this little bearded white boy with nappy hair. Yeah I know--it's amazing you guys have bought this tale with all those contradictions for so long. What the story doesn't tell you is that every March, Satan throws a huge bash to celebrate being able to turn the furnaces down after a long winter of having them in overdrive to keep the 400 degree temperatures constant. Can't have Hell freezing over, now can we? Typically these affairs are deities and harem only, but on this particular instance, Moloch brought down a few mortals with Him. Stupid bastard never could follow instructions. God had just learned this parlour trick where he could turn water into...well, it was still water, but He'd always take the tray of glasses, turn around, spike them with vodka, then turn back around to face us and proclaim it a miracle. We all played along though--for fear he'd take his bottles and go home. Thing is, Deity alcohol is much stronger than anything any mortal could ingest safely, so Moloch's guests ended up in alcohol induced comas after the first shot.

Which, of course, meant the uglier or more desparate deities all spent the rest of the night taking turns with the mortals and having our their way with them. The rest of the party goes down relatively without a hitch. I mean sure, there was that instance where one of the harem members fell into the 6th circle while trying to throw herself at Gabriel, and the rather unfortunate portion of the evening when Cerberus managed to break his chains and mauled Alita and Jox (two lesser deities you've probably never heard of due to the cover up...but that's another story), but by and large everything went well.

So anyhow, these mortals get sent back to their respective domiciles and sure enough, shortly thereafter, one of them starts getting the morning sickness...and then after that, starts swelling up like a lopsided pear. This lady kept proclaiming herself to be a virgin, completely unawares of what had transpired at the party that night--and also a little too dense to wonder why it was she was walking bowlegged for a month afterwards (hey, don't go pointing your finger at Me about that cause it wasn't My fault--I'm like the Japanese guy of the deitical world. Why do you think I've always been so mad at God for creating Me in His image, and carry around a separate rod of smiting?--wait a minute...that wasn't supposed to be said out loud. Devlin, we need to edit that part out of the final version. You best not forget, or I'm gonna be an unhappy Dark Lord). Um, anyways, so she starts getting fat, and eventually one mid December morning, out plops this kid.

Now, shortly after she became pregnant, Mary had turned into something of a tramp. She always had a line of guys stretching outside her hut that she was wanting to get some kind of freaky with. And the bigger she got, the more insatiable her urges began. Just so happens on the night that this kid finally flew out of her crotch, there were 3 members of the Fatty Society waiting in the barn with her for "Farmgirl fantasy" night. These 3 tried to escape, but Mary was still trying to force them to have their way with her even after giving birth. Just with all the ambionic fluids and the umbilical cord laying on the ground and the screaming little brat on the bale of hay--not to mention the goat dressed up like a French Maid (yeah, you never see THAT in a nativity scene, nnow do you?)--they weren't really feeling the love that night. So each of them came up with something from their pockets to try and bribe her or distract her with long enough for them to make their escape. One of em had a baggie of weed--the story later claimed it was myrrh--that he gave her to slow down her reflexes some, the other guy had some frankincense to cover up the smell--he and the other guy had planned on lighting up after they had their party with her, and he threw the sticks at her hoping to poke an eye out so she couldn't see him beat feet. And then the 3rd guy...all he had was the money he was gonna pay for the blow job, and he threw it up in the air and ran like a little girl. As they ran from the barn, they passed a boy who asked what the fuss was about. When they responded that they were running from the crazy bitch in the barn, the boy replied to them "very wise of you--she uses too much teeth in her blow jobs--and don't even get me STARTED on that goat"...and that's how they later became known as the 3 wise men.

Alright, got sidetracked. Back to the Jesus thing. So OK, she had this kid now, but didn't have the slightest clue who the father was. She checked everyone around town, but he didn't look like any of them. Then it hit her about the party. Unable to get any of Us those deities to submit to a blood test amicably, she tricked Us all into appearing on the Jebediah Springer show. He lied to Us all and told Us We were going on the show to learn how to make Red Lobster rolls...he definitely roasted for that one.

So all Us deities end up getting locked in the green room and were administered these blood tests after being told if We didn't allow them that some compromising photos would be appearing on the front page of Jew Weekly next month...which worried all of Us. Hey, a deity has to have His fun, right? So each of us get paraded out there, one by one, for the results of the tests. Each one of them, Mary screams out "I know this is the one. He's the daddy!".

Moloch was first out there...Mary claimed Jesus looked just like Him, to which Moloch pointed out that His ugly ass didn't even have a face...came back negative. The crowd erupts, Mary starts bawling, Moloch is prancing around like an idiot talking about how He only eats babies, not makes them.

Then out comes Cthulu, same routine. Cthulu points out he has tentacles for limbs, while Jesus clearly has arms and legs. Negative. Mary starts bawling again, stating "I could have swore it'd be Him". Cthulu grabs 3 people from the audience, eats them and slithers off.

On and on this goes for the entire show. Kali comes out and points out She doesn't even have sperm, Zeus whips it out of his pants and states it'd never fit inside her. The shit really hit the fan when Demeter, Goddess of fertility, came out, but She wasn't it either. Ares came out of the closet and admitted He was gay. An ancient times version of George Michael occurred, when the audience collectively looked puzzled and was all thinking the same thought: "Why aren't you telling us something we don't already know?" So it's just God and I in the green room at this point, and God's looking pretty nervous. I couldn't figure out why--I mean after all, if He has a kid big deal, right? He's already claiming to have been the father of all humanity--and He was more open about His incestuous tendencies back then, so what was the big deal? He gets called out next and claims He never even touched this woman, had never seen her before, and the fact that this infant was already speaking and repeating "Son of God!" over and over again was just a coincidence. Results of the test are announced...positive match.

The crowd goes nuts. "Jeb-by, Jeb-by, Jeb-by!". God tries to beat a hasty retreat off stage, but some huge bald guy named Stevus tosses Him back onto the platform. Bacchus starts taunting God while the crowd is still chanting, and God flips out and starts a brawl right then and there--and ends up getting His ass kicked (crowd goes mad, more chanting, "Jeb-by! Jeb-by!". God never was much of a fighter, it's why I never got how people could believe I would lose the final battle.

During all the mayhem, God screams out again that He never touched that woman (later created an army of followers to propagate the immaculate conception story, of course), and curses Mary, swearing one day that he would make that kid pay. Then to get even with the unruly audience, swore that He would one day create the prophet Phil Collins, have him right a song about that day, and force them all to listen to it in the ultimate form of punishment. This last action ended up backfiring, as so many people later committed suicide to avoid listening to Phil sing, that My army grew threefold. He then vanished off the stage. Went into hiding, never to be seen by mortals again, though He promised to return one day.

Turns out that God was leveraged to the hilt. He had 3 mortgages on heaven, the whole 10% tithing thing completely failed, and His reality show centred around contestants living the life of Job completely tanked, so the reason He was so nervous was because He knew there was no way to afford 18 years of child support payments. He apparently figured that once Jesus turned 18, God would be off the hook, but then they passed some legislation that allowed the government to collect compound interest on back child support and lock people up who didn't pay--and God couldn't stand the thought of being someone's bitch in prison, so He's been hiding ever since.

So, minions, that's how the birth of Christ REALLY went down. Hope this clears some things up.

current mood: naughty
current music: Coheed and Cambria--The Suffering

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 8)


Friday, December 16th, 2005
6:40 pm
The mailbox, it is overflowing
Let's see what's in Satan's mailbag this morning...

Satan--

What gives? We had a deal! You helped me redistrict Texas and in general let me take all the money I wanted, and in exchange you got my sould. Now I've got some prosecutor trying to shove a cattle prod up my ass and I had to give up the post in the Congress you promised me. I want a refund!

Tom

Dear Tom,

You also promised me a 10% cut, fleshy's of the Bush twins (not that it was all that hard to come by some), and that you would go get a decent haircut. You reneged on all 3 of those things. Under Section 37, Article 6, subsection 12, paragraph 8 it clearly states that in the case of contractual default by either party, Contract holder has a right to alter terms as He sees fit. Plus, what was the big idea helping in trying to lock away the Dark One? You're gonna pay for that one, you can rest assured of that. No refunds, you bloody redneck.

-S


Dearest Satan

Blah blah boom vrooooooo ya ki ki ki wah mroooom wah we ga it swee terrorist threat huh shucks blah ep me oh ga ga doo doo kaboooooooom ba hee hee ah goo?

Dear George,

Dammit, I thought I told Laura not to let you on the computer by yourself anymore. Go back to your room and play with your toys. And try to stay away from the red phone this time, you moron

PS. What's with all you political types writing me lately? Go away, ya bastards


Satan!

Show your tits! Show your tits!

Amanda

Amanda,

Satan is bringing you dyslexia medication for Christmas 'sides, I told you I'd only do that that once


Satan,

Myatt Daymoooonnn! Myatt Daymon Myatt Daymon!


Hi, Matt--yes, I'm sorry you didn't get to have hot puppet love too, but I'm not to blame here. Maybe if your career hadn't taken such a nosedive to where two bad cartoon artists are more popular than you, you'd get considered for scenes like that

Satan,

I want You so badly baby. You are the Alpha and the Omega of my world. I don't care if you've got someone else...she'll never know. I can keep a greeeat secret, and I'll let you do things to me You have never, EVER had done before. Email me, lover man. I totally dig the horns. You aren't whipped, are ya?

Angelina

Dear Angelina,

Of course I'm not whipped. I do anything I want! (looks about furtively). Things never had done before though? You don't know who you're talking to. I've done it all! But maybe I'll let you try and prove me wrong...drop me a line at...um...why do I get the feeling I'm being watched? Errr...I mean I could never do that! I'm devoted to the harem! Away temptress, away! *worried look*



Satan,

I wrote you some time ago asking you to give me a plug, and not once have you ever helped get word out about the next Nambla Meetiiiiiiiiiiii

*hides rod of smiting*. Nothing to see here folks, just a little technical difficulties. Hey look at the time! Been fun, gotta run! DEVLIN! I got another body that needs hiding...erm, napper who needs a bed...

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 15)


Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
3:31 pm
Darkness, reborn
"Satan, wake up...we need you!"

Huh? Wha? Who's on the intercom? I thought I had this thing shut off.

"Name's Lucy...I was in the harem. I drew the short straw to rouse you. We need you back!"

Back? Leave me alone. I'm retired.

"But...but..."

I said beat it. I'm only the 3rd bloke in history to successfully fake his own death. Being in company with Elvis and Jim Morrisson is good stuff.

"Your followers need you!"

What followers? They all left after they thought I offed myself.

"Still some left! They're smaller in numbers, but devoted"

FOOLS! I've vanished from the scene. The pantheon is all but dead.

"God caused a major tsunami in Asia"

Yeah, I heard about that. Place needed to be rebuilt, anyways.

"Major hurricane hit New Orleans! Mardi Gras is in danger."

Eh. I'm sure [info]el_diavlo got out fine. 'Sides, isn't that the city that had the church threatening to sue me if I didn't stop blogging?

"George Bush won the election"

Yeah, I was around for that. That was some funny stuff. You mortals, always so masochistic. Heh, heh

"He's putting Christian Conservatives in the High Court!"

So? Satan doesn't live there anymore. What do I care?

"Death and mayhem in Iraq"

There's always death and mayhem out there.

"Thousands of women and harem members becoming insubordinate, not getting their required tortures and loving!"

Hmmm, well that is rather tragic, but...

"They're beautifying New Jersey"

Mortals can do that?...

"Race wars have stretched to Oz"

But, it's supposed to be paradi...

"People are rebelling and starting to call the 25th "Christmas" again"

But...I spent all that work and time to have its name changed

"And they cancelled "Dead Like Me"...and renewed "American Idol!"

They WHAT?!

"It's the top-rated show on TV...Fox is calling it the greatest show ev..."

That's INSANITY

"They even gave the host of it his own star on the Walk of Fame"

DEVLIN!

"Paula Abdul has really let herself go...she even slept with some no talent hack on the show. Far cry from her "Straight Up" and "Cold Hearted Snake" days, let me tell you"

DEEEEVLINNNNN!

"And the really snide Brit that thinks he's so witty? Yeah, he just signed a huge extension. There's talk of him going into movies"

DEVLIN! Get my rod of smiting. NOW!

"The new season starts in abou..."

Who told you that you could speak, minion!

"But sir, I was just"

QUIET!

"You were gone...and...and, the people were worried and"

You don't listen very well, do you. Back of the harem!

"But sir!"

And no probing for 30 days. Move it!

"Yes, sir"

And tell the rest of em to get ready....It appears as though Satan's work is not yet done... ahhh, good. The rod. Excellent, Devlin. Now, first things first...time to find the addresses of those execs at Showtime...

Wait...I'm rusty. First things first. Time to go get re-acquainted with Satan's Chosen from the harem--after all, she's one hell of a lover, though doesn't present opportunity nearly enough :)...then to get the loyal minions to spread the word, incite the fear...need power...Satan has arrived.

Oh, and happy birthday to [info]ehann, Satan's 2nd favourite writer :)

current mood: determined
current music: Five Bolt Main-Pathetic

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 113)


Monday, January 24th, 2005
5:57 pm
Hanging on
I've always been one of those guys who shook his head at people who hang on too long. You know the ones. The aging ballplayer trying to squeak one more season out of his knees that have no cartilege in them, trying to play that one more season with a back that contorts him like a pretzel every time he moves. The guy that just can't let go of that aspect of his life. Who, later on, can't let go of other aspects of his life, and eventually let go of life itself.

Or the guy you read about in the obit section, who died at 117 years of age. Where they go on rambling, talking about how he made his own breakfast before his morning 1 mile walk every day, and who drove his own car until he was 97 years old. What they fail to mention is that guy spent the last 20 years of his life living in a nursing home, planted in a wheelchair, staring blankly at a television that he probably wasn't watching or couldn't understand because he was too far gone. That guy who just wouldn't let it go. Who's journey was long complete, who's time was ready.

I've always lived life by 3 rules. One, that life is a journey, and when that journey is complete, life is complete. When there's nothing left to see, there's no point. Two, live said life with no regrets. And three, live it hard, live it fast, and live it well (which the prophet James Dean earlier interpreted as Live Fast Die Young). I always swore I was never going to become "that guy"...yanno, the one I was talking about earlier. I had never really thought about just how to determine when the journey was over, but then again, I never thought I'd live long enough to have to contemplate it. To be 100% honest with all of you, I never expected it make it past 25 (I'm now 27). I always figured there'd be one last blaze of glory, one crowning experience so crazy, so intense, so completely unsurvivable that the journey would complete itself as sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Such is the nature of living hard. But one would hope there would be no mourning. Never would someone be able to say "he was taken from us too soon", or "he went before his time". If the journey is complete, no matter the age, people have to look upon that and say "He lived it well" or "He did it all" or "His time was short, but it was full, and the rest of us would be fortunate to experience half of what he did if we lived to be a hundred".

But what happens when the play goes awry? One of the 3 mantras I always lived by was "No Regrets". And it worked for a very long time. But then all of a sudden one appears. Then another, and another. And before you know it, you have a whole little pile of them laying at your feet. People you've hurt that you shouldn't have, people you've lost that you weren't ready to give up, believing in others who A) don't believe in you, or B) aren't what they seem? Dumb moves, dumb non-moves, the new colour you paint your kitchen. Whatever. The list has infinite possibilities. Is that the sign you're "hanging on"?

So then you start to think that maybe this is how one knows their journey is complete. Which leads one to ponder the one thing that will last beyond them: Their legacy. What effect have you had on the world? What mark are you leaving? How will people remember you? What are you leaving behind? And that's when everything goes to shit. Personally? My legacy right now? It's this. This journal, which nobody even remembers anymore. That's it. It's actually rather disheartening, when one thinks about it. It's not the travel, or the learnedness or an infectuous larger than life outlook that envelopes any how get caught up in it. It's not the crazy stunts or the wild escapades. Not for them not happening, but because there would be nobody left to remember them. One realizes that for all the accomplishments a person might have or make, they will all be forgotten because the person forgot to get to know anybody, or let anybody know him, along the way. I look back at my journey, and it's largely empty. No one has ever come to know me. I've never really allowed it. I've always stayed back, reserved back. Sure, some people have come what many would interpret as close--some even from this "legacy", but there's always been that key piece or two that woulda sealed the deal that was never allowed out of the box. I have become someone who knows many, but whom nobody knows.

One can become so busy experiencing life, that they forget to actually live it along the way. And by the time you realize it, it's pretty much just too late. The fates have dealt the hand, and that's what you've got to play. You spend so much time railing against the prospect of becoming a drone, living life by a routine, that you end up becoming a routine yourself; just of a different nature. This probably doesn't make any sense to most of you, but consider yourselves lucky for not grasping it. So is that hanging on? Going on despite a realization such as that?

I think the journey is complete when you look ahead and don't realistically see anything left yet to come. When you look at what you have left or what you have to yet contribute and see things such as the ability to inadvertantly cause pain or heartache as two of the primary shells left. When even the positives can easily lead to grief and loss. When one realizes their legacy is to not really have one. And the one that could be created is the one of the guy who was hanging on, and who just couldn't let something go, let it pass, move on to the next stage, whatever tha tmight be for whomever--which is worse than leaving none at all. Or maybe I just look at things all wrong. It all balances out in the end :P

If there was only one pearl of wisdom I could pass on to the rest of the world, it would be to experience life to its fullest, but to never forget to stop and live it along the way. There's a lot you end up missing, and the hope of seeing it diminishes the longer it goes on. I look back at how mine has gone, and can't help but realize that while I might not be 117, drooling down my bib, staring blankly at the soap opera on the TV, that I've mayhap stuck around at the finish line well after the crowd has gone home.

Live Hard.

Fin

current mood: melancholy
current music: SR-71-Tomorrow

(Sign the contract |Souls claimed: 42)


LiveJournal.com
previous 20 entries <
top of page